I can finally admit it: I have bipolar baby disorder. I can swing from one spectrum to the next in nanoseconds.
I see cute newborn pictures on Facebook SWOOSH That's it, I must have another baby.
I see a sick/dying baby on Facebook SWOOSH I have two healthy children, why take the chance?!
I hold a baby SWOOSH This is perfect. I need this immediately.
I tell my husband that I'd like another baby SWOOSH Okie dokie this shit is not happening.
I see three siblings at school together SWOOSH Oh my gosh my three sons?! How adorable would that be?!
My two children drive me insane by fighting with each other SWOOSH Holy shit, I'm damn near ready to kill these two? How in the hell could I throw another in the mix?!
I have amazing, loving conversations with my siblings SWOOSH Siblings are the best, how could I not want my kids to have another?!
I learn about someone who can't conceive SWOOSH How dare you be so greedy to want another?
I think about the fact that I'm 31 and that in 9 years, my oldest son will be 19 and and my youngest 15 SWOOSH I'm sorry, what?! Teenagers?! College students?! What the fuck?! I teach those kids, not HAVE them?!
I look at my amazing husband, who wants nothing else than to spend time with me more than anything SWOOSH We're going to be able to do this so very soon!
I listen to Owen't pre-school songs SWOOSH Are these my last silly sounding words? Will I never hear mispronounced l's like w's? Little kid giggles? Cuddle in bed?
I think long and hard... Is this it?
It's never-ending and it could seem trivial to women who don't want kids or more than one or more than two. I can seem awful to women who want one and aren't even able to do that. I wish I didn't feel this way - trust me, life would be much easier, but I do. I'm an incredibly young mom who, when most of my friends are having their first and second babies back-to-back, am experiencing 4th grade parent-teacher conferences and pre-school (next year Kindergarten!? SWOOSH!)
It's an easier decision for men. Often times, they're thinking with their little heads about producing another. A son? Perfect! Two?! Even better! Mom's, more maternal, think more about the act of mothering. It never ends, but it becomes less of a requirement with each passing year. We carried you; we birthed you; We teach you how to succeed on your own.
I don't think I'm ready to give up those first two quite yet.